Arranged Marriage…An Anachronism?

Picture this: you’re watching a documentary on Discovery Channel…your ma’s sitting beside you…a lion strolls by on the TV screen, then perhaps a lioness. She promptly turns to you and demands, ‘Son, when are you getting married? You have a girl in mind? I know this wonderful family…blah, blah”. Sounds ludicrous? It shouldn’t, as that’s how single minded most parents can be about their 20-something kids’ marital status. Let’s ponder on it, shall we?

Westerners tout love marriage, deriding arranged marriages as backward, uncivilized and primitive. When debating the success of arranged versus love marriages, proponents of arranged marriage claim that it’s more successful, but their definition of success usually focuses on divorce rates. But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? Think about it – divorce reflects poorly on a typical Bangali family, so some proportion of arranged marriages endure not because they are successful, but because leaving them would bring such shame. Hence, people marry as strangers and stay strangers all their lives – a prospect I can’t bear thinking of for myself. But there’s always the other end of the spectrum. There are many arranged marriages that start out based only on infatuation but grow stronger as time pass. And admit it, Westerners have made the progression toward ‘love’ marriage unnecessarily agonizing. It’s absurd how a couple in America can date for years and still not know if they want to get married. Most of my friends state that they’d only need 6 to 7 months max to get to know someone before they get married. Plus, I’ve seen a lot of love marriages end in bitter divorces.

I know the harshest arranged marriages are those almost forced upon the bride or groom – parents are so confident of their child agreeing to whomever they arrange their marriage with, they don’t bother asking for their opinion before finalizing everything – the guy/girl is then left with little choice but to agree. Then there’s emotional pressure/blackmail – parents beseeching their children to agree to a proposal before they die, etc. etc. These days however, most marriages, across all cultures, are what’s called the ‘semi-arranged marriage’. Your parents, friends, etc., set up an introduction with someone they consider to be eligible. Remember how Bridget Jones’ mum was always trying to find her a boyfriend in the hope that he’ll turn into a husband? That’s why some proponents of arranged marriage say that it’s no different than your mom setting you up on a date. However, in our social and cultural context, there’s a huge difference.

Here, parents put the word out in the community grapevine: Dad’s aunt knows a nice family in Atlanta whose nephew is an electrical engineer. Mom’s university classmate has a cousin whose daughter’s working in a renowned MNC. Parents run matrimonial classifieds (in India this has progressed on to a dizzying array of Web sites like say, indiamatrimony.com) and hundreds of biodatas are duly scrutinized. Marriages are considered a union of two families, not merely two individuals, so bloodlines and reputations matter. Beauty, ethnicity, religion, education, social/financial status and even horoscopes are contemplated! There are times when a guy’s mom would reject girls because of the smallest ‘defects’ – over-qualified as a career woman, under-qualified when it comes to looks. Or because of the girl being a bit older than the guy (even by a few months). I’m sure most of you, like me, have been rejected by, or have had your family reject, many prospects for one or more of the above reasons – quite an embarrassing state of affairs when you think how superficial some of them really are.

After the initial ‘screening’ comes your role – the biggest hitch in the whole process. Most families want a wedding, and they want it pronto but disapprove of or forbid dating. You’re not allowed to take the time it takes to get to know someone. You have to decide on a deadline – kind of like closing a business deal….ugh! One of my friend’s relatives think that after he’s spent three or four evenings with a girl, he ought to know – she’s his future bride or she’s history. But that’s so absurd! Can you know only after two or three months (let alone meetings) whether you share compatible interests and personalities, whether you’ll respect and live with each other’s incompatibilities, whether you’ll receive emotional support from each other’s families? I’ve a friend who is absolutely terrified that his parents are going to select a girl according to their values, but who won’t understand music – his profession and his life. Plus, since one-on-one meeting is still taboo here, most couples get together along with their parents or, in more liberal families, with a chaperone. Now, you try meeting your future wife or husband for those few times before your wedding decision, in front of your parents and striking up a conversation with her. One of my colleagues related how once, when she went to meet the prospective groom, the whole motley crew from his side, not just his parents, was there - that too in a shopping complex of all places!

It’s great when you see more and more parents now accepting love marriages, indicating a widening open-minded society and the increasing trust parents have in their children’s maturity and life choices. So when it comes to arranged marriages, is it asking too much, for parents to extend that much trust to allow their kids to meet alone over something as harmless as a cup of coffee? And in this era of cell phones, e-mails and msn/yahoo messenger, can’t the guy and girl in question be given the time needed to know each other well enough to decide on, what is after all, their future? I think it’s a great way of reaching a middle ground between ‘traditional values’ and a ‘modern outlook’. Wouldn’t you agree?

At the end of the day, what it finally comes down to is that, as in all marriages, whether arranged or not, some work and some don’t. No matter how long you know a person, there are bound to be issues after marriage. It’s how you cope with them that determine if you can live together happily ever after.